With only one week until Halloween, you bet The Mountain is getting in the spooky spirit. As we look through your Halloween Costume Photo Contest entries, and we put the final touches on our own costumes, our minds can't help but wander to the life and times of the beings we're about to become this upcoming weekend. Do Vampires hit the snooze button? Does a Werewolf need to workout? How do Witches get to work? Do they take the bus like you and me, or do they take the Broom express? These are the kind of pressing matters that are consuming us, and we think we may have found a few answers. Check back every day this week as we reveal what life might be like for the myth and monstrous!
4. Do Werewolves Workout?
Only If He's Training For Ultimate Frisbee....
“C’mon, Just…. one more lap…. You can do it.” Gerald heaved. “God…. they made it look so much easier....in the olympics… Okay. I can’t. Need a break.” Gerald collapsed onto a park bench and hung his head concentrating hard on not throwing up.
“Well, well, if it isn’t An American Werewolf in spandex.”
Gerald looked up and immediately groaned, “What do you want Drac?”
Standing beside Gerald, jogging in place, stood a tall, ghostly pale figure dressed in a pristine all black running outfit. If it wasn’t for the light of an almost-full moon, Gerald would have mistaken him for the ghost of the headless horseman’s missing head.
Drac is the captain of the Vampire’s Ultimate Frisbee Team. He takes his job way too seriously. Unfortunately, Gerald was roped into filling in for an injured player on the Werewolves’ team in the “Big Game” against the Vampires on Saturday. Normally Gerald would be spending his Saturday doing not-exercise, but his pal Marty is the Wolves’ team captain, and Gerald owed Marty a favor for helping out with a little run in with Animal Control a few weeks back. Right now Gerald is thinking he’d rather deal with Animal Control than Drac.
“Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Don’t be like that Ger. I just came over to check on the competition. See how you’re shaping up for Saturday. I see you chose round…”, Drac said with a condescending chuckle.
Gerald growled. The hair on his body began to prick up, and his muscles were tensing. “Beat it Drac. Before I show you the meaning of White Fang.”
“Oh, calm down boy. No need to go all Full Moon. Save your energy for Saturday. You’re going to need it. The Wolves haven’t beaten the Vampires in millenia. Can't imagine why…” Drac said this last part as he gave Gerald an exaggerated full body scan, then he disappeared, sprinting off at full speed down the park path.
Gerald rolled his eyes. “What a nutcase. Screw it. It’s just Ultimate Frisbee. I’m going to Meat Mart for a steak...or two.”
3. Good Thing About Being A Witch? They Don't Have To Sit In Traffic...
...But They May Be The Cause of It.
“You know Shadow, you black cats get a bad rap.” Cecile said, gently petting her furry companion as she gazed down from her floating perch on the scene unfolding on the highway below. “It’s all that silly superstitions fault. It’s bad luck for a black cat to cross your path.” Cecile rolls her eyes. “What a bunch of nonsense. Conveniently, they always forget to mention that the person the cat’s walking in front of generally deserves what’s coming to him.”
She’s cut off by the sound of horns honking, and a slew of profanities. In the middle lane of the jam packed highway, a man gets out of his parked car with a seriously confused look on his face and walks to the front where steam is billowing from underneath the hood. Cecile snaps her fingers. Suddenly the man’s clothes disappear. He bounds back to the driver side door in a panic, only to realize he’s been locked out. His mixed look of fear and shock is enough to send Cecile into fits of laughter.
After a few minutes she composes herself and continues. “You're just a messenger, Shadow. It’s not fair to place all the blame on you, and it’s not like a cat has the power to set in motion a series of unfortunate events that will slowly grind at a person’s soul over the course of years, maybe even decades. No, your only role in all of this is a warning as if to say ‘Hey Dude, remember that time you cheated on your girlfriend with that trashy bartender? Well the time has come to reap what you sow. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and karma is a witch!’”. Cecile cackles loudly at this last remark, thinking herself pretty witty.
Below, the naked man froze. He’d recognize that laugh anywhere. The blood drained from his face and he looked up. Cecile winks at him, blows a kiss, then flies across the highway and out of sight.
2. Don't Worry, Vampire's Hate Their Jobs Too....
Which Is Good For Us Humans....
“...unnngh. 5 more minutes...” Greg mumbles, as he reaches his hand out and slaps the snooze button. “Maybe I can just call out today”, he thinks, as he tosses over. “Just call Count Tom, ‘Ohhhh, I can’t come in today. Uuuugh. I’ve been up all day with blood poisoning. Must have had a bad type…”
“Beep. Beep. Beep.”
“Ugh, but the stupid Elder’s Council meeting is at 4, and convert reports are at 6, and Carol’s going to be all ‘Look at me. I drained a whole town last week. Aren’t I the best?” Stupid Carol. She only gets the good assignments because she flaunts her big fangs.
“Beep! Beep! Beep!”
“What is even the point? We’re immortal! So what if we miss our quota for a month or decade?! It’s not like we’re going to die out. We’re not hamsters. And thanks to that ridiculous vampire sparkle motion movie everyone loves “us” now, so it’s not like a wannabe Helsing or Lincoln’s going to pony up to the plate any time soon. Stupid kids. “Can I get an autograph?!” Yeah. Sure. I’ll give you an autograph, in your neck, with my teeth! HA.
“BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!”
“OKAY. Anti-Christ! I’ll get up. All that thought of stupid kids made me hungry anyway. Maybe stupid Carol will scare in breakfast again...
1. Zombie Tip: Never Grocery Shop On An Empty Stomach...
....Things Can Get Messy.
"AHHHHHH!", screamed Lindsey as she sat bolt upright in her bed. Chest tight, and heart racing, she frantically looked about the room. Realizing where she was, her nerves started to calm. “Woah. That was some dream”. She took a few deep breaths to stabilize herself, then swung her legs around to the side of the bed to stand and get out, but ended up tumbling to the floor. “Jeez. I guess I’m more shaken than I thought. What was I even dreaming about? Something about a virus...Oh, and Harvey was there.... taking care of me maybe? but also eating…. steak? That doesn’t sound scary...just a really weird way to take care of your girlfriend while she’s home from work sick... Oh, shoot! WORK! I’m going to be late!” Lindsey scrambled clumsily to her feet. “Must have slept wrong. It’s like half my muscles are still asleep!” She dragged herself to the closet, threw on a t-shirt and jeans, then practically killed herself tripping down the stairs. “Great. It’s going to be one of those days.” She made her way into the kitchen to grab a bite on her way out the door. She opened the fridge, which was full of yogurt, fruit, veggies, fresh milk, and the obligatory Chinese food leftovers. Her stomach turned. “Ew. None of this sounds appetizing at all.” She began opening cabinets frantically. “God, I’m STARVING. I feel like I haven’t eaten, like ever, and none of this is doing it for me. Ew. Who even eats oatmeal? I’ll just have to stop at the store.”
She shuffled out of the house, forgetting her shoes and leaving the door wide open, and started down the middle of the street. “Grrrrr. I’d kill for a burger.” Her stomach growled. Luckily, Meat Mart was only a block away. “Mmmm. Guess that dream really gave me a hankering for whatever Harvey was stuffing his face with.” It being 6 AM, Meat Mart wasn’t even open yet, but as Lindsey straggled up to the glass doors, they opened anyway and she absentmindedly grabbed for a shopping basket out of habit, toppling the whole pile of them in her attempt. At this point she was utterly distracted by a delicious new aroma assaulting her nostrils. Her eyes focused on someone inside with their back turned to her. The smell wafted to her nose. It smelled fresh, and raw, and slightly...intelligent? It was the most amazing and delicious scent she had ever encountered. She stared at the person idly preparing the store to open. Her mouth began to water. She started to limp towards the human. “Unnnnghrrrrr”, was the only sound she could muster, completely consumed by her hunger. The clerk, startled by the sudden unnatural guttural noise, swiveled just in time to catch a glimpse of something dirty blonde as he was tackled to the tacky black and white tiled floor.
TOMORROW: Scary, Scary, Quite Contrary, How Does Your Garden Grow?
What's Your Spirit Monster? Let us Know in the Comments below!